Washed up shore.

And in an instant, all things come to an understanding. Her thoughts united with the facts that was just presented to her. Her eyes widened. The truth has come.

But did she want this?

Silence, what a loyal friend she thought. But not a great listener. All the songs in her life stopped playing. The sound from her music player played as if syncronized with the chain of events flashing by her eyes. There was no more making sense of the lyrics, her thoughts formed into words that developed into sentences that made paragraphs. This is certainly not new. But this was the only time she had a blank piece of paper.

But then again it was all so cliche.

And she decided to stop.

The world was not a better place if she were to start writing again.

And all the voices in her world came to a sudden, sullen end.
They were not to be heard of again.

Yesterday. Once more.

Heys.

Can't write here.
People know I write here.
And people thinks if they can read me, they'll know how I get by my days.
But truth is..

They have no idea.

No idea how I get by my days.

I have no idea how you get by your days.
But the difference is.. I don't have an intention to care.
Because I know your life is hard enough.
You don't need me climbing up your back,
you don't need me telling you what to do. Thats your conscience's job.
And i'm sure all of our conscience would do its best every single day, yelling at our actions.
So yes. I have faith in the better of you.

Sit back and have faith in mine.

Washout.

Out of Control.

That would be what I'd call myself at the moment.
All I need to do is to make one decision, which is :

I have to live.


But.

I can't.


Its not because i'm not afraid of dying.
Its because I'm afraid to live.

Winds of no change.

Heyah Bloggie.

If you ever wanna catch a glimpse of how i'll look in say 10-20 years time, you should look at me today. I have no eyelids and puffy, swollen eyes today. Swarna aptly calls them the 'crying eyes'.
I just call em sad eyes or even worse, 'old woman eyes'. I look old without my eyelids. I feel reallt sleepy now, I know wasn't the lack of sleep, its because my eyes are puffy.. Somehow the puffiness of my eyes right now just got me feeling really sleepy.

Aah. Maybe I just need another bath to get them back to the normal size.

I watched a little of Pearl Harbour today, in fact, I am still watching now.

And I realised something. I watched Pearl Harbour when I was 11-13 years old because of its theme song. 'There you'll be' by Faith Hill was such hit in my life. I bought the 3 - disc vcd to watch.
I realised that this movie is a great influence in my writing. So many of those dialogues that I used in my essays today. And they're all from this movie.
I've always loved the name Evelyn and that too was from Pearl Harbour.

Its been a really windy Sunday so far, the winds are blowing hard. Its like they're angry or something. I know that doesn't makes sense.

Oh well. That was my Sunday post. (posted today, Monday)

Are we gonna wake up?

If I could wish for one thing.
I wish I had time for everything.
The days I like the most are the days when I wake up earlier than I am supposed too.
When I have time to tie up the loose ends before I begin with a brand new day.
Not that I won't be alive on the days when I don't wake up any earlier.
I just won't be contented with my time.

Saw my stepmother. My father. My Mother and my Stepfather yesterday.
What a day.
I don't see them often.
They're all strange people.
And we're strangers.

The song that starts your day is a song you will remember for the rest of the day.
I used to have a radio waking me up in the morning.
Now I don't anymore. I wake up automatically at 5 or slightly before 5.
Either that or I won't make it to school on a weekday.
So, I don't have a random song starting my day. I actually get to pick the song that starts my day.

During my form 4 year, almost everyday throughout the year, the song that starts my life in the morning is : A Message by Coldplay.

I realised that being in the background of my own life can be very comforting.
Because I get to just watch. Not feel, and not have a choice.

Gotta run.

Who was I kidding?

Hey Bloggie.

No matter what I did, I was never certain of the things I do.
But there was one thing I was firmly certain about.
I thought that going back for Form 6 was the right path for me.
Even with my mother's daily death threats to enrol in a private college instead.
My mom in law's plea for me to go back to work in Dell instead.
Dell was offering me jobs that are better than the ones graduates are having.
Tar College sending me an offer letter for the Public Relations course.
I nearly attended Disted for Business Studies.

I still went back to form 6.

And during our first semester break, when this letter arrived:

Dear Applicant,

We refer to your application for the position of Cabin Crew.

We would be pleased if you could present yourself for interviews at 9.40am
on 3 June 2008 (Tuesday).
You should report at the CLC Lobby, Level 1, SIA Training Centre, 720 Upper
Changi Road East, Singapore 486852.

You are required to bring the following documents:

· The print-out of your completed application form
· Passport-sized photograph
· Originals of:
a) your birth certificate
b) all educational certificates
c) Certificate of National Service (if applicable)
d) re-entry permit card (for Singapore PR)
e) testimonials
f) identity card

We look forward to meeting you.

I still stayed on for form 6.

I thought it was the right path for me.
Then it betrayed me.

I'm sure most of us have come to know how a betrayal feels like.

Long Distance.

At 12.42am I went to sleep thinking that I wouldn't be able to wake up the next morning.

I woke up at 5.30am.
It was still early enough for me.
But still, it was for the wrong reasons.
I woke up because I had a stomach ache.

And I used to be the girl who had a ton of gastric problems and get stomach aches only as often as she eats.
Then it all stopped after I stop working in Dell.
For some reason, the stomach pains never left Dell with me.

So, I had a new life.
I was yet again inconsistent with my meals.
Fully utilising my newfound freedom in not eating.
Why?
I do not know why but it would seem like I have lost my enormous appettite for food lately.
Don't even know when exactly.
But my cravings just stop.

And even if I do start craving I stop before I could get to it.

So today I woke up with a stomach ache, so familliar and so alarming.
Because it was the same one as the old recurring ones not too long ago.

My freedom to eat and not to eat is over.

Right now, I am healing with music.

Its funny how whenever I am in physical pain I think of Keane.
Its A Bad Dream by Keane this time.
" I wake up, its a bad dream, no one on my side. I was fighting, but I just feel too tired, to be fighting, guess i'm not the fighting type. Wouldn't mind it if you were by my side. But you're long gone, yeah you're long gone now, yeah. "

Its not the lyrics. Its about the way he sang it.

Anyway. In an early part of my dream last night which I woke up briefly from, I was in the desert, and there were these red indians like people, we were at war and I was with them, then all of the sudden, without any warning, they started shooting nails and pins / sharp objects out from their mouths against an unseen enemy, at least unseen by me.
I was standing amongst them. And I didn't know whether to shoot or not. I was muttering something but I think the dream was in mute.

Wild imagination.

I think we can interpret it as a helpless situation. Maybe I've been feeling helpless.
I feel disturbed on the days when I do remember my dreams.

I am also wondering whether a person can really start anew.
Or will it be the same way.. all the time?

Shakespeare said " This too shall pass."
What if you don't want it to pass?
.. You want it to be more?

I am failing miserably to see the bigger picture now.
And every step I take seems to take me further from the sight of it too.
I don't even feel like going to school today.

Emotions can do a whole lot of damage and worse of all, sometimes its not really worth it.
And you know you will beat yourself up for it later, but you just can't get over it.

My all-time favourite song by Keane is :
Bedshaped
"In white lights, I don't think so but what do I know? What do I know? I know. "
Please listen to it. Anyone who reads this blog.

The death of silence in the morning is so sad.

Good morning and good bye.