If I could wish for one thing.
I wish I had time for everything.
The days I like the most are the days when I wake up earlier than I am supposed too.
When I have time to tie up the loose ends before I begin with a brand new day.
Not that I won't be alive on the days when I don't wake up any earlier.
I just won't be contented with my time.
Saw my stepmother. My father. My Mother and my Stepfather yesterday.
What a day.
I don't see them often.
They're all strange people.
And we're strangers.
The song that starts your day is a song you will remember for the rest of the day.
I used to have a radio waking me up in the morning.
Now I don't anymore. I wake up automatically at 5 or slightly before 5.
Either that or I won't make it to school on a weekday.
So, I don't have a random song starting my day. I actually get to pick the song that starts my day.
During my form 4 year, almost everyday throughout the year, the song that starts my life in the morning is : A Message by Coldplay.
I realised that being in the background of my own life can be very comforting.
Because I get to just watch. Not feel, and not have a choice.
Gotta run.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Who was I kidding?
Hey Bloggie.
No matter what I did, I was never certain of the things I do.
But there was one thing I was firmly certain about.
I thought that going back for Form 6 was the right path for me.
Even with my mother's daily death threats to enrol in a private college instead.
My mom in law's plea for me to go back to work in Dell instead.
Dell was offering me jobs that are better than the ones graduates are having.
Tar College sending me an offer letter for the Public Relations course.
I nearly attended Disted for Business Studies.
I still went back to form 6.
And during our first semester break, when this letter arrived:
Dear Applicant,
We refer to your application for the position of Cabin Crew.
We would be pleased if you could present yourself for interviews at 9.40am
on 3 June 2008 (Tuesday).
You should report at the CLC Lobby, Level 1, SIA Training Centre, 720 Upper
Changi Road East, Singapore 486852.
You are required to bring the following documents:
· The print-out of your completed application form
· Passport-sized photograph
· Originals of:
a) your birth certificate
b) all educational certificates
c) Certificate of National Service (if applicable)
d) re-entry permit card (for Singapore PR)
e) testimonials
f) identity card
We look forward to meeting you.
I still stayed on for form 6.
I thought it was the right path for me.
Then it betrayed me.
I'm sure most of us have come to know how a betrayal feels like.
No matter what I did, I was never certain of the things I do.
But there was one thing I was firmly certain about.
I thought that going back for Form 6 was the right path for me.
Even with my mother's daily death threats to enrol in a private college instead.
My mom in law's plea for me to go back to work in Dell instead.
Dell was offering me jobs that are better than the ones graduates are having.
Tar College sending me an offer letter for the Public Relations course.
I nearly attended Disted for Business Studies.
I still went back to form 6.
And during our first semester break, when this letter arrived:
Dear Applicant,
We refer to your application for the position of Cabin Crew.
We would be pleased if you could present yourself for interviews at 9.40am
on 3 June 2008 (Tuesday).
You should report at the CLC Lobby, Level 1, SIA Training Centre, 720 Upper
Changi Road East, Singapore 486852.
You are required to bring the following documents:
· The print-out of your completed application form
· Passport-sized photograph
· Originals of:
a) your birth certificate
b) all educational certificates
c) Certificate of National Service (if applicable)
d) re-entry permit card (for Singapore PR)
e) testimonials
f) identity card
We look forward to meeting you.
I still stayed on for form 6.
I thought it was the right path for me.
Then it betrayed me.
I'm sure most of us have come to know how a betrayal feels like.
Long Distance.
At 12.42am I went to sleep thinking that I wouldn't be able to wake up the next morning.
I woke up at 5.30am.
It was still early enough for me.
But still, it was for the wrong reasons.
I woke up because I had a stomach ache.
And I used to be the girl who had a ton of gastric problems and get stomach aches only as often as she eats.
Then it all stopped after I stop working in Dell.
For some reason, the stomach pains never left Dell with me.
So, I had a new life.
I was yet again inconsistent with my meals.
Fully utilising my newfound freedom in not eating.
Why?
I do not know why but it would seem like I have lost my enormous appettite for food lately.
Don't even know when exactly.
But my cravings just stop.
And even if I do start craving I stop before I could get to it.
So today I woke up with a stomach ache, so familliar and so alarming.
Because it was the same one as the old recurring ones not too long ago.
My freedom to eat and not to eat is over.
Right now, I am healing with music.
Its funny how whenever I am in physical pain I think of Keane.
Its A Bad Dream by Keane this time.
" I wake up, its a bad dream, no one on my side. I was fighting, but I just feel too tired, to be fighting, guess i'm not the fighting type. Wouldn't mind it if you were by my side. But you're long gone, yeah you're long gone now, yeah. "
Its not the lyrics. Its about the way he sang it.
Anyway. In an early part of my dream last night which I woke up briefly from, I was in the desert, and there were these red indians like people, we were at war and I was with them, then all of the sudden, without any warning, they started shooting nails and pins / sharp objects out from their mouths against an unseen enemy, at least unseen by me.
I was standing amongst them. And I didn't know whether to shoot or not. I was muttering something but I think the dream was in mute.
Wild imagination.
I think we can interpret it as a helpless situation. Maybe I've been feeling helpless.
I feel disturbed on the days when I do remember my dreams.
I am also wondering whether a person can really start anew.
Or will it be the same way.. all the time?
Shakespeare said " This too shall pass."
What if you don't want it to pass?
.. You want it to be more?
I am failing miserably to see the bigger picture now.
And every step I take seems to take me further from the sight of it too.
I don't even feel like going to school today.
Emotions can do a whole lot of damage and worse of all, sometimes its not really worth it.
And you know you will beat yourself up for it later, but you just can't get over it.
My all-time favourite song by Keane is :
Bedshaped
"In white lights, I don't think so but what do I know? What do I know? I know. "
Please listen to it. Anyone who reads this blog.
The death of silence in the morning is so sad.
Good morning and good bye.
I woke up at 5.30am.
It was still early enough for me.
But still, it was for the wrong reasons.
I woke up because I had a stomach ache.
And I used to be the girl who had a ton of gastric problems and get stomach aches only as often as she eats.
Then it all stopped after I stop working in Dell.
For some reason, the stomach pains never left Dell with me.
So, I had a new life.
I was yet again inconsistent with my meals.
Fully utilising my newfound freedom in not eating.
Why?
I do not know why but it would seem like I have lost my enormous appettite for food lately.
Don't even know when exactly.
But my cravings just stop.
And even if I do start craving I stop before I could get to it.
So today I woke up with a stomach ache, so familliar and so alarming.
Because it was the same one as the old recurring ones not too long ago.
My freedom to eat and not to eat is over.
Right now, I am healing with music.
Its funny how whenever I am in physical pain I think of Keane.
Its A Bad Dream by Keane this time.
" I wake up, its a bad dream, no one on my side. I was fighting, but I just feel too tired, to be fighting, guess i'm not the fighting type. Wouldn't mind it if you were by my side. But you're long gone, yeah you're long gone now, yeah. "
Its not the lyrics. Its about the way he sang it.
Anyway. In an early part of my dream last night which I woke up briefly from, I was in the desert, and there were these red indians like people, we were at war and I was with them, then all of the sudden, without any warning, they started shooting nails and pins / sharp objects out from their mouths against an unseen enemy, at least unseen by me.
I was standing amongst them. And I didn't know whether to shoot or not. I was muttering something but I think the dream was in mute.
Wild imagination.
I think we can interpret it as a helpless situation. Maybe I've been feeling helpless.
I feel disturbed on the days when I do remember my dreams.
I am also wondering whether a person can really start anew.
Or will it be the same way.. all the time?
Shakespeare said " This too shall pass."
What if you don't want it to pass?
.. You want it to be more?
I am failing miserably to see the bigger picture now.
And every step I take seems to take me further from the sight of it too.
I don't even feel like going to school today.
Emotions can do a whole lot of damage and worse of all, sometimes its not really worth it.
And you know you will beat yourself up for it later, but you just can't get over it.
My all-time favourite song by Keane is :
Bedshaped
"In white lights, I don't think so but what do I know? What do I know? I know. "
Please listen to it. Anyone who reads this blog.
The death of silence in the morning is so sad.
Good morning and good bye.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Rainy Sunday.
It was a Sunday Morning to remember.
It was around 7.30 when I woke up today.
Mornings can be so productive. Particularly when the first thing I did is of course:
Pick up Hamlet.
Literature is my energy.
Music is my life.
Art is my form of expression.
Heh. I bet many people can say that about themselves.
Then it started raining. And its not the drizzling kind...
There is already a certain calm about mornings.. and the rain. It gave the morning calm a little something. Something more. And I like it.
Altogether, it had been peaceful and calm.
Even now.
Something major happened today.
I am suddenly not attached anymore.
As some of us people here know. I am married. Legally.
By name, by status.
In every aspect.
Right now I am not married in every aspect anymore.
Why?
I saw it coming. And then.
It just happened.
The space steadily builds up. And suddenly you're so far apart you don't even know why you're still there.
Everything needs to be rearranged.
At the same time. Alot needs to stay the same because we're gonna be staying under the same roof.
I really don't know how it works.
Just know that it has a 90 percent chance of working out.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry but the songs that were playing when I was speaking out my feelings to Eric were in these in sequence:
Eva by Nightwish
Meadows Of Heaven by Nightwish
Stand By Me by Oasis
Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis ( was doing the opposite by then )
Little By Little by Oasis
She Is Love by Oasis
Songbird by Oasis
Morning Glory by Oasis
Don't look back in Anger by Oasis
And the aftermath was ..
Champagne Supernova by Oasis
"Someday you will find me, caught beneath a landslide, in a champagne supernova in the sky."
By the time its over.
I opened YouTube and looked up Linkin Park and started playing their old songs.
Maybe its my way of tracing back my roots.. or maybe its just.. to show myself how far I've come from that little girl who used to play numb over and over again when shes upset.
The maturity of musical sense.
Ahh.
Do we really have to read so deep into a simple act?
Anyway, gotta go and get ready for work and have some food.
Chao.
It was around 7.30 when I woke up today.
Mornings can be so productive. Particularly when the first thing I did is of course:
Pick up Hamlet.
Literature is my energy.
Music is my life.
Art is my form of expression.
Heh. I bet many people can say that about themselves.
Then it started raining. And its not the drizzling kind...
There is already a certain calm about mornings.. and the rain. It gave the morning calm a little something. Something more. And I like it.
Altogether, it had been peaceful and calm.
Even now.
Something major happened today.
I am suddenly not attached anymore.
As some of us people here know. I am married. Legally.
By name, by status.
In every aspect.
Right now I am not married in every aspect anymore.
Why?
I saw it coming. And then.
It just happened.
The space steadily builds up. And suddenly you're so far apart you don't even know why you're still there.
Everything needs to be rearranged.
At the same time. Alot needs to stay the same because we're gonna be staying under the same roof.
I really don't know how it works.
Just know that it has a 90 percent chance of working out.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry but the songs that were playing when I was speaking out my feelings to Eric were in these in sequence:
Eva by Nightwish
Meadows Of Heaven by Nightwish
Stand By Me by Oasis
Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis ( was doing the opposite by then )
Little By Little by Oasis
She Is Love by Oasis
Songbird by Oasis
Morning Glory by Oasis
Don't look back in Anger by Oasis
And the aftermath was ..
Champagne Supernova by Oasis
"Someday you will find me, caught beneath a landslide, in a champagne supernova in the sky."
By the time its over.
I opened YouTube and looked up Linkin Park and started playing their old songs.
Maybe its my way of tracing back my roots.. or maybe its just.. to show myself how far I've come from that little girl who used to play numb over and over again when shes upset.
The maturity of musical sense.
Ahh.
Do we really have to read so deep into a simple act?
Anyway, gotta go and get ready for work and have some food.
Chao.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Freeze.
I flicked open my eyes at 1.47am.
I had a "Aw, you gotta be kidding me" expression flashing in my head.
'cept that i'm particularly drained by the pain in the throat and the runny nose.
Well. Now we know why I woke up a little too early than the time i'm supposed to.
The air cond is too cold. The snores are getting too loud.
And next comes the minutes of futile attempts at falling back to sleep.
I walked out of the bedroom in the end. Defeated, in much pain and .. sneezing.
Being sick makes you feel better about the life you had before. True.
What's a girl got to do at 2.15am anyway?
I sat with Hamlet for a while. The book was closed. But it was comforting, to have sat beside it, somehow.
Then I thought of class yesterday. Then I remembered, we were to bring a dictionary to lit class.
Being a spoiled rich brat I used to be. I have a lot of English and Malay dictionaries. I have 2 Oxford dictionaries. 2 Oxford Thesauruses. 2 Longman Dictionaries. 1 Roget's Thesaurus.
And I haven't mentioned the smaller ones yet.
They're all mine. What a twisted life I've had.
And the one I've decided to bring is the Exam's dictionary from Longman.
Why of all books? I kept asking myself.
Because. Thats the only one thats missing.
Is it human nature to want what they cannot see? What they have lost?
So I opened the store room's door. Which I normally won't, because I'm afraid of the evil within.
*sweats*
Sweating was good. There was no fan on or anything when I went out of the room. I was trying hard to sweat, I think that'd help me recover.
So. I went into the so called 'evil room' at around 2.40am and started looking for my poor and not more than 8-month old darling dictionary. If I remembered correctly.. That one costed me rm200+ - 300.
After 15 minutes. I decided it wasn't in there.
The piles of piles of junk doesn't help much.
Woman instincts soon kicked in, and when it did, for some odd reason or two, I went back to my old bedroom and found my still-looking-like-it-was-brand-new dictionary hidden in the Times bookstore shopping bag. Joy.
I found it. And also realised its weight. Do I really want to be carrying that dictionary 4 days a week to school?
I could.
I would love to.
But. I already look like a tortoise.
My bag is .. Big.
Like a shell lah. It looks like I can go in and stay.
I wish.
Hah.
Well, we'll see about the dictionary. = )
I am sick now. Like. Sick.
And I have 101 reasons to go to school today.
But just 1 reason not to.
Heh.
Tree Hill says.. "Sometimes all you need is One."
Lets see if I am going to apply that today.
Probably not. Its 4.21am now.
Oh yeah. In my search for the Dictionary. I found Belgian Chocolates along with the stuff my stepma bought me from Macau just 2 weeks ago.
Alas. I do not have a fridge. And the chocolates have been fridged before.
So they're already melted now.
Maybe I should bring them to work. Its cool there.
But I am already coughing slightly now.
Its really weird when I look at the clock and freak out a little as time approaches 5am.
.. Because 5am used to be early for me.
Now, its late. And on better days, its just nice.
Its like the 6.30am when you have school at 7am now.
On the another note. Its been 2 weeks and more since I've been to Queensbay.
..Queensbay has pretty pretty clothes.
Which I do not usually buy. Mind ya.
I've lost my tastebuds to my cold.
And an hour ago, when I made myself a cup of peppermint tea which had always made me feel better.. I couldn't smell it. And that was so sad.
Because I can't feel better if I can't even smell it right?
Its 4.33am now and this is just so random.
I'm playing all Oasis' singles this morning.
They have the right songs for my mood right now.
How am I gonna participate in Literary discussion today?I won't know yet.
My throat itches, it feels hollow and is entirely inflamed.
It hurts when I open my mouth just abit wider. And when my tongue moves, it hurts too.
My gums are swollen, the walls of my mouth are swollen to.
The condition of my nose?
The skin has gotten raw from all the rubbing and the abrupt ah-chooing. (which hurts the throat alot as well)
The mucus colony just doesnt wanna leave in bulk anymore now.
I don't think its a good idea for me to go to school.
But I am against the idea of not going as well.
I had a "Aw, you gotta be kidding me" expression flashing in my head.
'cept that i'm particularly drained by the pain in the throat and the runny nose.
Well. Now we know why I woke up a little too early than the time i'm supposed to.
The air cond is too cold. The snores are getting too loud.
And next comes the minutes of futile attempts at falling back to sleep.
I walked out of the bedroom in the end. Defeated, in much pain and .. sneezing.
Being sick makes you feel better about the life you had before. True.
What's a girl got to do at 2.15am anyway?
I sat with Hamlet for a while. The book was closed. But it was comforting, to have sat beside it, somehow.
Then I thought of class yesterday. Then I remembered, we were to bring a dictionary to lit class.
Being a spoiled rich brat I used to be. I have a lot of English and Malay dictionaries. I have 2 Oxford dictionaries. 2 Oxford Thesauruses. 2 Longman Dictionaries. 1 Roget's Thesaurus.
And I haven't mentioned the smaller ones yet.
They're all mine. What a twisted life I've had.
And the one I've decided to bring is the Exam's dictionary from Longman.
Why of all books? I kept asking myself.
Because. Thats the only one thats missing.
Is it human nature to want what they cannot see? What they have lost?
So I opened the store room's door. Which I normally won't, because I'm afraid of the evil within.
*sweats*
Sweating was good. There was no fan on or anything when I went out of the room. I was trying hard to sweat, I think that'd help me recover.
So. I went into the so called 'evil room' at around 2.40am and started looking for my poor and not more than 8-month old darling dictionary. If I remembered correctly.. That one costed me rm200+ - 300.
After 15 minutes. I decided it wasn't in there.
The piles of piles of junk doesn't help much.
Woman instincts soon kicked in, and when it did, for some odd reason or two, I went back to my old bedroom and found my still-looking-like-it-was-brand-new dictionary hidden in the Times bookstore shopping bag. Joy.
I found it. And also realised its weight. Do I really want to be carrying that dictionary 4 days a week to school?
I could.
I would love to.
But. I already look like a tortoise.
My bag is .. Big.
Like a shell lah. It looks like I can go in and stay.
I wish.
Hah.
Well, we'll see about the dictionary. = )
I am sick now. Like. Sick.
And I have 101 reasons to go to school today.
But just 1 reason not to.
Heh.
Tree Hill says.. "Sometimes all you need is One."
Lets see if I am going to apply that today.
Probably not. Its 4.21am now.
Oh yeah. In my search for the Dictionary. I found Belgian Chocolates along with the stuff my stepma bought me from Macau just 2 weeks ago.
Alas. I do not have a fridge. And the chocolates have been fridged before.
So they're already melted now.
Maybe I should bring them to work. Its cool there.
But I am already coughing slightly now.
Its really weird when I look at the clock and freak out a little as time approaches 5am.
.. Because 5am used to be early for me.
Now, its late. And on better days, its just nice.
Its like the 6.30am when you have school at 7am now.
On the another note. Its been 2 weeks and more since I've been to Queensbay.
..Queensbay has pretty pretty clothes.
Which I do not usually buy. Mind ya.
I've lost my tastebuds to my cold.
And an hour ago, when I made myself a cup of peppermint tea which had always made me feel better.. I couldn't smell it. And that was so sad.
Because I can't feel better if I can't even smell it right?
Its 4.33am now and this is just so random.
I'm playing all Oasis' singles this morning.
They have the right songs for my mood right now.
How am I gonna participate in Literary discussion today?I won't know yet.
My throat itches, it feels hollow and is entirely inflamed.
It hurts when I open my mouth just abit wider. And when my tongue moves, it hurts too.
My gums are swollen, the walls of my mouth are swollen to.
The condition of my nose?
The skin has gotten raw from all the rubbing and the abrupt ah-chooing. (which hurts the throat alot as well)
The mucus colony just doesnt wanna leave in bulk anymore now.
I don't think its a good idea for me to go to school.
But I am against the idea of not going as well.
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