Long Distance.

At 12.42am I went to sleep thinking that I wouldn't be able to wake up the next morning.

I woke up at 5.30am.
It was still early enough for me.
But still, it was for the wrong reasons.
I woke up because I had a stomach ache.

And I used to be the girl who had a ton of gastric problems and get stomach aches only as often as she eats.
Then it all stopped after I stop working in Dell.
For some reason, the stomach pains never left Dell with me.

So, I had a new life.
I was yet again inconsistent with my meals.
Fully utilising my newfound freedom in not eating.
Why?
I do not know why but it would seem like I have lost my enormous appettite for food lately.
Don't even know when exactly.
But my cravings just stop.

And even if I do start craving I stop before I could get to it.

So today I woke up with a stomach ache, so familliar and so alarming.
Because it was the same one as the old recurring ones not too long ago.

My freedom to eat and not to eat is over.

Right now, I am healing with music.

Its funny how whenever I am in physical pain I think of Keane.
Its A Bad Dream by Keane this time.
" I wake up, its a bad dream, no one on my side. I was fighting, but I just feel too tired, to be fighting, guess i'm not the fighting type. Wouldn't mind it if you were by my side. But you're long gone, yeah you're long gone now, yeah. "

Its not the lyrics. Its about the way he sang it.

Anyway. In an early part of my dream last night which I woke up briefly from, I was in the desert, and there were these red indians like people, we were at war and I was with them, then all of the sudden, without any warning, they started shooting nails and pins / sharp objects out from their mouths against an unseen enemy, at least unseen by me.
I was standing amongst them. And I didn't know whether to shoot or not. I was muttering something but I think the dream was in mute.

Wild imagination.

I think we can interpret it as a helpless situation. Maybe I've been feeling helpless.
I feel disturbed on the days when I do remember my dreams.

I am also wondering whether a person can really start anew.
Or will it be the same way.. all the time?

Shakespeare said " This too shall pass."
What if you don't want it to pass?
.. You want it to be more?

I am failing miserably to see the bigger picture now.
And every step I take seems to take me further from the sight of it too.
I don't even feel like going to school today.

Emotions can do a whole lot of damage and worse of all, sometimes its not really worth it.
And you know you will beat yourself up for it later, but you just can't get over it.

My all-time favourite song by Keane is :
Bedshaped
"In white lights, I don't think so but what do I know? What do I know? I know. "
Please listen to it. Anyone who reads this blog.

The death of silence in the morning is so sad.

Good morning and good bye.